He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
