Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
