I'm drive I can fine osifer
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize