I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
