We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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