Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
