4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
