Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
