I bet he comes in French.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
