see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I want you more than these girls want KFC
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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