i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
