so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
