i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
