I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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