Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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