How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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