Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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