started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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