Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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