i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
