Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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