I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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