I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
