she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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