genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
