I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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