What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
