I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
