your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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