Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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