I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The air taste purple.
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