so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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