my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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