I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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