how can u be prego again
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
