Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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