you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
im calling her cock vulture from now on
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
