I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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