The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
