Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
