is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
