Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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