Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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