I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
