I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
