i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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