You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
