sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
