clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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