can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize