Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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