I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
