Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
