Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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