Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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