I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Tornado booty call.. dedication
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
