im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
