i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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