I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
