If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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