so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
